Back To December
by gleekgirl1989
Summary: She thought she wanted her freedom, and when she got it, she realized it wasn't what she wanted at all.


Back to December

_I'm so glad you made time to see me.  
How's life, tell me how's your family?  
I haven't seen them in a while.  
You've been gooe, busier then ever.  
We small talk, work and the weather  
Your guard is up and I know why.  
_

Walking into Breadsticks, Rachel looked around to see if she spotted her dinner date, and sighed when she realized he wasn't there yet. It wouldn't surprise her if he didn't show at all, not after what she had done to him.

She slowly walked over to a table and took a seat, giving a small smile to the longtime waitress who recognized her immediately. The place hadn't changed at all in the last 2 years since she had been out of town and chasing her dreams in New York City.

New York had been amazing at first. She loved the feeling of being in a big city, surrounded by people and lights, it was what she had yearned for and dreamed of her entire life up until that point. It was after her 20th failed audition that she began to question whether she really belonged there or not, or if she had made a big mistake in coming there and leaving behind her life in Ohio...most of all leaving behind him.

Rachel was so caught up in her thoughts that she didn't see the tall, lanky man approach her.

"Rach?" His voice shook her from her thoughts and she looked up into the eyes of the man she thought she would never see again.

"Finn!" She exclaimed, a wide smile gracing her features as she stood up to hug him. It was awkward at first, until Finn put him arms around her to. She allowed herself to melt into his embrace for a moment and gather her thoughts, before pulling away. "How are you?" She asked as they sat down.

He shrugged. Honestly, he wasn't even sure what he was doing here. She had called him up out of the blue, nearly 2 years after they had broken up. It had shocked him at first, and when she asked him to meet up for dinner, he happily agreed. Now that he was here, he began to question his actions. Seeing her face, her smile and eyes, brought all those feelings back that he thought he had buried, or at least tried to. He remembered why he had been so head over heels in love with her.

"I've been ok." He answered finally. "You? How's New York?" He asked.

"New York is New York." Rachel answered. "It's an amazing city, but maybe not for me."

"Not for you?" Finn questioned uneasily. He thought that she belonged there, at least she thought she did, and even he did on some level. She was going to be a star on Broadway. That had been the main reason for their break-up.

Rachel nodded. "I'm thinking of moving back to Lima."

"Why?" Finn asked. "I thought you loved it there."

"I did, for awhile anyways. After many rejections and nothing but very small roles, I'm beginning to re-think my Broadway dreams, plus I'm running out of money and my Dads can't afford to help me out for much longer." She explained.

"Oh, I'm sorry." Finn said.

Rachel smiled and nodded appreciatively. "Thank you. So tell me, how's your family? How are Burt and Carole and heck even Kurt?" Rachel asked.

Finn smirked slightly at Rachel's mention of his step-brother. The two had always had a love-hate relationship. They were both too uptight to ever really get along for long.

"My Mom and Burt are great. They're still married and actually they adopted a baby girl from Korea about a year ago now. Her name is Layna. She's really sweet. Kurt is still Kurt, actually he's living in New York now, guess you two never ran into eachother." Finn said with a laugh.

"No I never saw him. That's great about your parents adopting a baby. I know they really wanted one." Rachel said. "So what have you been up to?" She asked. "I've been trying to get in touch with you for weeks now, but your roommate always says your gone."

"I've been working as an assistant football coach in Akron for awhile, but their seasons over now, so I'm back permanently." Finn explained.

"Good for you, Finn." Rachel smiled. "Your well on your way to making your dreams come true."

Finn nodded. "Hopefully."

They sat like that for awhile, just making small talk and avoiding the real issues they needed to discuss. Rachel almost forgot that anything had happened between them, it was like old times. That was of course until Finn brought it up, he just couldn't take it anymore. He had things he needed to say, to get off his chest.

_Cause the last time you saw me  
Is still burned in the back of your mind.  
You gave me roses and I left them there to die._

"So Rach, you mind telling me why were really here?" Finn asked suddenly, not meaning to sound as harsh as he did.

Rachel sighed, she knew she couldn't avoid it forever. "I wanted to see you." She said simply.

"You wanted to see me?" Finn asked raising his voice an octave. "You called me up, completely out of the blue, and asked me to meet you here, like nothing ever happened, like you didn't break my heart to pieces when you walked out the door that night."

Rachel knew she deserved that. She deserved that and so much more. Her biggest regret had been breaking up with him. It had been for stupid, selfish reasons. Reasons she can barely even remember anymore. She thought she knew that if she moved to New York they would never be able to make a long distance relationship work and rather than wait and find out, she decided to get the heartbreak over with.

"I'm sorry." She said, looking at the ground, ashamed of her behavior. "I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, but please Finn."

"Do you even remember that night?" Finn asked and Rachel nodded.

_It was December 23, two days before Christmas and Finn was getting anxious, and excited at the same time. In two days he would be asking the love of his life to marry him. He could just imagine Rachel's face lighting up when she saw the ring. He knew she didn't really celebrate Christmas the way he did, and the only reason she really did anything on that day, was because of him. He wanted to make December 25 just as special for her as it was for him. He had his speech all prepared already and he was going over it when she walked into his house._

_"Hey Babe." He greeted happily, grabbing the roses he had bought her off the kitchen counter, and taking them over to her. _

_She smiled only slightly and smelled the roses. It was then that he noticed she looked kind of funny._

_"Rach, you ok?" He asked._

_"I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore, Finn." She said._

_"Do what?" He asked worriedly. "Did something happen? Is it something I did? Cause whatever it is, I'm sorry."_

_Rachel shook her head. "No, it's not you. It's me. I'm leaving."_

_"What?" His voice shrieked as he panicked. "Why? What's going on?"_

_"Finn, you know as well as I do that once I move to New York, that's it. We'll never make the long distance thing work." Rachel stated, as if it was a fact._

_"That's not true. You don't know that. We could...no we will make it, because I love you and you love me." Finn said assuredly, not sure if he was assuring himself more or her._

_"Finn, we can't. Long distance relationships don't work. Look at my Mom and Mr. Schue. They didn't work out after my Mom got that job in Michigan." _

_"Your basing what we have off of that? They had only been dating for a few months, Rach." Finn reminded her. "Besides, remember what your Mom said after their break-up? It was mostly because she didn't want to be in a relationship anymore, because she was too independent. It wasn't because of the long distance."_

_Rachel shook her head. "I'm sorry, my mind is already made up. We need to end this. I'm so sorry."_

_"No, please. Baby, please don't go. We can work through this, I swear to you." Finn said, now in full blown panic mode. "I love you so much."_

_"Finn, no. We want different things. I'm going to be a star on Broadway, your going to coach a football team in the NFL and take them to the Superbowl, remember." Rachel said smiling up at him._

_"And you'll be there with me, and I you." He said._

_"No." She shook her head a little more firmly this time. "I'm sorry, I need to go." She looked away, not able to look at the sadness and longing in his eyes. She put the flowers back on the counter, and walked out the door, leaving Finn with nothing left to do but break down completely._

"That was the worst night of my life." Finn said, sniffling. He noticed that Rachel had been crying, and as much as he wanted to reach over and wipe away her tears, he knew he couldn't. She needed to know everything that happened that night, what he was planning. "Did you know I was planning on asking you to marry me on Christmas Day, two days later?"

Rachel's eyes widened in shock. She had no idea. "Y...you were?" She stuttered, feeling a million times worse now for leaving that night, if that was possible. "Oh god, I am so, so, so, sorry. If I had only let you have your say, things could have been so much different."

"Yeah I'm sorry to." Finn said. She knew he wasn't apologizing for his actions though.

_So this is me swallowing my pride,  
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night,  
And I go back to December all the time.  
Turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,  
Wishing that I realized what I had when you were mine.  
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.  
I go back to December all the time._

"Finn, you know if I could I would go back and change everything that happened that night right?" Rachel asked, looking him straight in the eyes. "Knowing what I know now, there is no way I would have broken up with you."

"What so I'm like a concilation prize? You didn't get what you wanted in New York, so you think that you can come back and be with me just like that? It doesn't work like that, Rach. You broke my heart. I was fully prepared to spend the rest of my life with you, and you threw it all away because of some stupid theory of yours." Finn said angrily.

"No that's not what I meant." Rachel insisted. "I meant that I learned that my life is nothing without you in it, as cheesy as that sounds. I can't live without you. The entire time I spent in New York, I was thinking about you and what you were doing. I was thinking that if I could go back to that December night, I would never have broken up with you. I'd go back and make everything right."

"I'm sorry, Rach, I can't do this, not right now." He said standing up and turning to leave.

"No wait! Finn please..." She trailed off as he kept walking, ignoring her pleas completely.

_These days I haven't been sleeping  
Staying up playing back myself leaving  
When your birthday passed and I didn't call  
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times  
I watched you laughing from the passenger side and,  
Realized I loved you in the fall  
And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind  
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye  
_  
Later that night Rachel sat on her bed in her bedroom at her father's house, crying. She had become accustomed to doing this every night. She would lay in bed going through the many photo albums containing pictures of her and Finn from a time when everything had been right in the world. She would then proceed to remember all the dark days after their break up and the things she regretted more than anything, one of them being not calling him on his birthday, something she had done every year since even before they started dating. He had once told her that her phone call trumped all the presents and even the cake his Mom baked for him.

Shaking herself from these sad thoughts, she decided to go back to remembering the good times. She remembered the first summer they had spent together, going for long walks in the park, him teaching her to rollerblade, and the carnival when she got him to overcome his fear of ferris wheels. That summer was the best one yet. They had spent a month roadtripping all across the Eastern states in Finn's old truck. A few weeks after they got back from their roadtrip, Finn took her camping for the first time and although she had hated the thought at first, it soon became one of her favorite past times.

That fall when they started their junior year, Rachel had never been happier. Before she had dreaded going to school because she was constantly slushied and made fun of. Sure she never let anybody know she was hurting, but she was. Then Finn came into her life and gave her a reason to look forward to school, even after being slushied. Junior year she was still getting slushied, people still teased her and whispered behind her back, but the difference was that she had Finn and he made up for all of that. He would protect her from it all. Her knight in shining armor. That was when she realized she was in love with him. Although he had told her he loved her at Regionals, she hadn't reciprocated those words at first, but that all changed in the fall.

They were happy for a long time after that, but then winter of their senior year came around and Rachel realized for the first time that her and Finn had different dreams. He was destined for the NFL, if nothing else then to Coach. She was destined for New York and Broadway, they were going in 2 separate paths, and her fears began to eat her alive. It got to the point where she started pulling away from him altogether, and she could tell that he sensed that. He continued to offer nothing but his love and support, even though he knew what her fears were, he felt them to, the difference was he really thought they could make it work somehow. After all they were the exception, they always had been. They weren't your typical run-of-the-mill high school couple, they were truly in love. They were destined to be together, to make it no matter what.

_So this is me swallowing my pride,  
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night  
And I go back to December all the time  
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you  
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine  
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind  
I go back to December all the time_

Rachel suddenly sat up, deciding to stop feeling sorry for herself. She knew what she wanted and she was determined to get it. She was Rachel Barbra Berry and she always got what she wanted. She wanted him back.

She was more than prepared to admit to her mistakes, despite her stubborn nature. She realized she had been so wrong for thinking the way she had when she broke up with him. She had wanted her freedom and when she had gotten it, she realized it wasn't what she wanted at all.

_I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right  
And how you held me in your arms that September night,  
The first time you ever saw me cry  
Maybe this is wishful thinking  
Probably mindless dreaming  
If we loved again I swear I'd love you right  
_  
She missed it all, his smile, his bright eyes, his face. More than anything she missed his big heart and the way he used to hold her and make her feel as if she was the only one in the world. She missed the way his heart beat seemed to be in rhythm with hers, the way he understood her more than anyone. She knew him taking her back was probably a long shot, a dream, but she knew that if he did, she would never let him go again.

She stood up, gathered her things and headed for the door. She was going to make things right.

_I'd go back in time and change it but I can't  
So if the chain is on your door, I understand  
_  
She got to his apartment and immediately knew he was home, she could hear him humming a sad song through the door. She knocked a few times, before calling him

"Finn, I know your in there and I know your angry, but I have some things I need to say." She heard the humming stop, but he didn't answer the door. She figured she had probably gotten his attention though, so she decided to continue despite the fact she might end up looking like a fool.

_But this is me swallowing my pride,  
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night  
And I go back to December  
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you  
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine  
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright  
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind  
I go back to December all the time_

"I love you. I love you so much it hurts. I love you enough to admit that I was wrong, and we both know how hard it is for me to admit to that." She laughed lightly, and she thought she could hear him laugh to. "I'm swallowing my pride for you, do you hear me. I was so completely wrong for ever thinking I could live without you in my life. I realize now that the only thing that matters is you and us. I would go back and change it all I could. I'd go back to that December and make everything right again. So please just think about it. I'll leave you alone now, and remember I'm sorry."

She was about to leave when she heard the door creak open. "Don't I get a say?" She heard the voice ask.

She turned and saw him standing there with a smirk on his face. The smirk she loved. "Don't you get a say to what?"

"Whether you should stay or leave? I'd really rather you stay." He said.

Rachel's confused frown turned into a full fledged grin. "Does this mean what I think it means?" She asked.

Finn nodded. "Rach, I know it must have been hard for you to admit you were wrong, and the fact that you did means more than anything to me. I know you would change it if you could, and so would I, but we can't think about the past now, the future is what matters and I can't see mine without you in it."

"Really?" Rachel asked, just to be certain.

"Positive. We have some things to work through for sure, but the one thing I've always known is that we can get through anything together." He answered.

Rachel leaped into his arms, and kissed him with all the pent up feelings she had been holding in for 2 years. "I love you so much." She whispered when she pulled back.

"I love you to, and just so you know I go back to December all the time to." Finn said with a small smile.

_All the time_


End file.
